I've fallen into depression again...

I am so up and down right now...  I have bits and pieces of highs, better times, followed by a crash into depression yet again.  Such seems to be the case again today.

I am not even excited about seeing R which is--well, not usual at all.  I just feel like I am so down nothing good can make me feel better, even if I might feel better later.

I still have not gone down any on the scale :( in face, gone up a tiny bit today despite not eating a lot and exercising.  But that really isn't as bad as it feels like it is right now...  Because I am gaining muscle and losing fat so it makes sense my weight would go up a bit.  In fact it could go up more than it has and still be totally normal. Just my state of my mind, and the being SO close, and yet so far, is frustrating.  I just have 5 lbs more to go and it takes forever to lose it, when I had more to lose I could lose a lb a day.  I was exercising more then than I am able to yet now though.  But I was averaging 11 lbs a month and now...  Now it takes forever to lose 5 lbs and I am not eating a lot and exercising.  Of course I have only been exercising 3x a week for 2 weeks.  So I really am not being fair to myself.  My fat is going down and I have lost a lb even with the muscle gain.  It will happen.  And my goal wasn't just to be a certain weight, I picked that weight because it was the weight I was at at my most fit and toned.  So my goal was to be that weight and to be fit and toned, both of which are happening.

I've succeeded at doing more than I have done in 6 months, in getting back to exercising, my weight loss goals are being achieved, I am working hard in therapy and doing this new group.  I had a great night with my daughter last night, the man I love has come back to me and loves and wants only me, we are working on our relationship...  You would think I would be HAPPY.  For me, life doesn't get much better than this.  I've used CES every day for close to 2 weeks now.  I've slipped a bit on my vitamins and meds the last few days, but mostly I have been doing good with that.

OK well maybe there is more stresses and struggles than happy moments right now.  But can't I feel at least good about what I am accomplishing?  It's finally starting to get better, I'm working on it, getting there.  Every week brings me closer to where I want to be.

But all I feel is depressed.

So many ways, I feel like I still have so far to go.  I accomplish something and complete the task, then it is like, ok, what's next?  Next goal.  I don't feel good about the fact that I will have lost 50 lbs in the last year.  When I started, it seemed overwhelming, like such an overwhelming task, how was I going to do this?  Now I am nearly there and it seems like nothing.  I'm frustrated I am not losing the last 5 lbs quickly, and once I have done that, I want to lose 10 more.

Doesn't help I've been severely impaired since I injured myself in October until just these last 2 weeks.  Or I would be there and so much farther already.  But thinking like that doesn't help.

Instead of being excited to see R, I am afraid and feel like I am coming in 2nd place.  And I should not feel that way.  I am just so fearful I will stop being important to him, and I have had such a hard week and I needed him and he could not be there as much as usual--but he still was there.  He talked to me on the phone for quite a long time yesterday.  I just felt depressed and alone because I would not get to talk to him online again for the 2nd night in a row.  It is not his fault and I want him to have time with B, who never gets to see him, and misses him more than I do.  But it's hard, because when he needed me, I didn't leave him alone.  And it's really hard this week.

And last weekend was so difficult for me, being so scared.  And today it is 2 o clock and I haven't even heard from him.  I just feel SO very alone.  Far more alone than usual.

:(  I need to eat, I am very hungry :(

The last several weeks have been hard.  But this week even more so.

I was trying to find a .pdf for the Courage to Heal Workbook.  I have the book but I was hoping to find something I could just print out the pages so I could write on them.  Looks like I will have to use the copy function on my new printer, I really have to get that set up and find where the ink I bought went.

Anyway in trying to do so I read this news article that was incredibly triggering so now I am totally over-activated (at least I am starting to recognize it now).   Maybe I can practice getting it to go down.  It is pretty hard and not gone but I think I got it to go down a bit.  I think.  But now I have this heavy aching burning feeling in my chest and my right wrist hurts, and it is hard to breathe.  Also there is this burning feeling in the back of my head.  But I do not feel like I can sit with this alone.  I think I will have to do it with Delyse, but at least I can practice when it happens, and notice any changes I can make by trying to make the wave go down.

Between this and R & B, and yesterday, and not showing up or calling, I just want to curl up in bed and I think I am going to for a while.