I am so up and down right now... I have bits and pieces of highs, better times, followed by a crash into depression yet again. Such seems to be the case again today.
I am not even excited about seeing R which is--well, not usual at all. I just feel like I am so down nothing good can make me feel better, even if I might feel better later.
I still have not gone down any on the scale :( in face, gone up a tiny bit today despite not eating a lot and exercising. But that really isn't as bad as it feels like it is right now... Because I am gaining muscle and losing fat so it makes sense my weight would go up a bit. In fact it could go up more than it has and still be totally normal. Just my state of my mind, and the being SO close, and yet so far, is frustrating. I just have 5 lbs more to go and it takes forever to lose it, when I had more to lose I could lose a lb a day. I was exercising more then than I am able to yet now though. But I was averaging 11 lbs a month and now... Now it takes forever to lose 5 lbs and I am not eating a lot and exercising. Of course I have only been exercising 3x a week for 2 weeks. So I really am not being fair to myself. My fat is going down and I have lost a lb even with the muscle gain. It will happen. And my goal wasn't just to be a certain weight, I picked that weight because it was the weight I was at at my most fit and toned. So my goal was to be that weight and to be fit and toned, both of which are happening.
I've succeeded at doing more than I have done in 6 months, in getting back to exercising, my weight loss goals are being achieved, I am working hard in therapy and doing this new group. I had a great night with my daughter last night, the man I love has come back to me and loves and wants only me, we are working on our relationship... You would think I would be HAPPY. For me, life doesn't get much better than this. I've used CES every day for close to 2 weeks now. I've slipped a bit on my vitamins and meds the last few days, but mostly I have been doing good with that.
OK well maybe there is more stresses and struggles than happy moments right now. But can't I feel at least good about what I am accomplishing? It's finally starting to get better, I'm working on it, getting there. Every week brings me closer to where I want to be.
But all I feel is depressed.
So many ways, I feel like I still have so far to go. I accomplish something and complete the task, then it is like, ok, what's next? Next goal. I don't feel good about the fact that I will have lost 50 lbs in the last year. When I started, it seemed overwhelming, like such an overwhelming task, how was I going to do this? Now I am nearly there and it seems like nothing. I'm frustrated I am not losing the last 5 lbs quickly, and once I have done that, I want to lose 10 more.
Doesn't help I've been severely impaired since I injured myself in October until just these last 2 weeks. Or I would be there and so much farther already. But thinking like that doesn't help.
Instead of being excited to see R, I am afraid and feel like I am coming in 2nd place. And I should not feel that way. I am just so fearful I will stop being important to him, and I have had such a hard week and I needed him and he could not be there as much as usual--but he still was there. He talked to me on the phone for quite a long time yesterday. I just felt depressed and alone because I would not get to talk to him online again for the 2nd night in a row. It is not his fault and I want him to have time with B, who never gets to see him, and misses him more than I do. But it's hard, because when he needed me, I didn't leave him alone. And it's really hard this week.
And last weekend was so difficult for me, being so scared. And today it is 2 o clock and I haven't even heard from him. I just feel SO very alone. Far more alone than usual.
:( I need to eat, I am very hungry :(
The last several weeks have been hard. But this week even more so.
I was trying to find a .pdf for the Courage to Heal Workbook. I have the book but I was hoping to find something I could just print out the pages so I could write on them. Looks like I will have to use the copy function on my new printer, I really have to get that set up and find where the ink I bought went.
Anyway in trying to do so I read this news article that was incredibly triggering so now I am totally over-activated (at least I am starting to recognize it now). Maybe I can practice getting it to go down. It is pretty hard and not gone but I think I got it to go down a bit. I think. But now I have this heavy aching burning feeling in my chest and my right wrist hurts, and it is hard to breathe. Also there is this burning feeling in the back of my head. But I do not feel like I can sit with this alone. I think I will have to do it with Delyse, but at least I can practice when it happens, and notice any changes I can make by trying to make the wave go down.
Between this and R & B, and yesterday, and not showing up or calling, I just want to curl up in bed and I think I am going to for a while.
This is why I do it...
Last night, after I posted, I used CES and then I went to listen to music and found C in the chair. I got something to eat and we talked and she asked me to stay with her. So we spent several hours just hanging out together and she talked to me about what was going on in her life, and we had a great time. Got silly at the end and we were doing stuff we used to do when she was 4, and it was fun and really helped me feel a lot better. I enjoyed spending the time with her, and when we were just sitting and talking, and I was petting the cat, and she was being allergic to the cat (lol) in the living room, before we went into her bedroom, I thought, this is why I do it. This is why it is worth it to have brutal days in therapy like yesterday. So I can be present, and connect with her, like I did last night.
She ended up staying up pretty late. (Like close to 1 AM). But it was worth it to have that time with her, especially when she so clearly wanted it. And when I did do stuff like tell her to get on her PJs, or brush her teeth, and she resisted, it still stayed fun, and she did what I asked. She would do stuff like instead of going to brush her teeth, hiding in my room in my bed till I found her, and I'd have to drag her out (she isn't so light any more, lol) and then run to her room and dive under the covers. Then I'd grab her and pretend to drag her out of bed head first and she would pretend to be scared and laugh and say "I'll go! I'll go!" and I'd give her the beady eye, grinning at her, until she finally turned in the bathroom doorway and went in and closed the door.
It was a breath of fresh air I really needed. And to know we can still connect like that even though she is a teenager now, and I'm dealing with all my "stuff" that I have to struggle every day to overcome.
R & B are coming today and we are going out to a movie together and out to dinner, and having a sleepover. So she is really looking forward to seeing B again. Thankfully R managed to settle his trial so he doesn't have to work over the weekend and we can have some family time with just the two of them--that will be a nice change, since I think this is the only time they have ever had together without the two younger ones being there.
She ended up staying up pretty late. (Like close to 1 AM). But it was worth it to have that time with her, especially when she so clearly wanted it. And when I did do stuff like tell her to get on her PJs, or brush her teeth, and she resisted, it still stayed fun, and she did what I asked. She would do stuff like instead of going to brush her teeth, hiding in my room in my bed till I found her, and I'd have to drag her out (she isn't so light any more, lol) and then run to her room and dive under the covers. Then I'd grab her and pretend to drag her out of bed head first and she would pretend to be scared and laugh and say "I'll go! I'll go!" and I'd give her the beady eye, grinning at her, until she finally turned in the bathroom doorway and went in and closed the door.
It was a breath of fresh air I really needed. And to know we can still connect like that even though she is a teenager now, and I'm dealing with all my "stuff" that I have to struggle every day to overcome.
R & B are coming today and we are going out to a movie together and out to dinner, and having a sleepover. So she is really looking forward to seeing B again. Thankfully R managed to settle his trial so he doesn't have to work over the weekend and we can have some family time with just the two of them--that will be a nice change, since I think this is the only time they have ever had together without the two younger ones being there.
I am so depressed today I just want to die.
I am so stressed today. So depressed. It's like getting punched over and over again. So worn out, physically, emotionally. More stress than I can take. Nothing to look forward to. Talking out loud about the last few days broke through some of the numbness I have been feeling. Several major stressors on top of what I am already going through. I just want to kill myself now because it is all just too much and I do not even have someone to talk to tonight, again. Talking on the phone did not make me feel better, it made me feel worse. I can't cope now and I don't know how I am going to cope tomorrow, and I'm afraid I have gotten myself back into the same old situation. I am just on overload and emotionally I feel... Horrible. Physically I feel horrible. I just wish I had a bunch of candy to binge on I'd just lie in bed and zone out reading and eat until I am sick. I already feel sick. Am I crazy? What's worse, the frying pan or the fire? Oh, no let's combine the frying pan and the fire together and see how that works out. I AM SO OVERWHELMED I CAN'T EVEN THINK. I am not the first priority any more. Maybe that is making me afraid, I know it is. I AM SO AFRAID AND STRESSED OUT. The present sucks, the future sucks, this week sucks. I am just breaking. Mentally, emotionally. Physically. IT'S TOO MUCH.
Typed "OVERWHELMED" into the search engine and this definition came up:
That is SO completely accurate to how I am feeling right now. That is exactly it. I can't feel feel, write or think. I need help and I have no one to ask :( My resources are drained completely and I am being crushed, buried alive. Drowning in the sea of life, and right now, hell yeah--it has defeated me. I can't fight back I don't have the strength left.
I feel like such a small light in the storm. And the waves are crashing around me so high, so strong. So much bigger and stronger than I am.
I feel SO ALONE. :( :( :( :( :( :(
Typed "OVERWHELMED" into the search engine and this definition came up:
overwhelmedpast participle, past tense of o·ver·whelm (Verb)
| Verb: |
|
That is SO completely accurate to how I am feeling right now. That is exactly it. I can't feel feel, write or think. I need help and I have no one to ask :( My resources are drained completely and I am being crushed, buried alive. Drowning in the sea of life, and right now, hell yeah--it has defeated me. I can't fight back I don't have the strength left.
I feel like such a small light in the storm. And the waves are crashing around me so high, so strong. So much bigger and stronger than I am.
I feel SO ALONE. :( :( :( :( :( :(
Positive Impacts of Trauma... in my life
- very compassionate
- resourceful
- creative
- proactive
- open-minded
- courageous
- strong
- determined
- understanding of the pain & struggles of others
- thoughtful
- reflective
- insightful
- articulate
- willing to learn and grow
- humility
- self responsibility
- loving
- supportive
- strong willed & strong minded
Negative Impacts of Trauma... in my life
- sexual dysfunction
- sexual self-destructiveness
- abusive relationships, intimate partner violence
- compulsively seeking and avoiding sex
- avoiding men
- fear of men
- fear of sex
- strong association between sex and abuse, sex and violence, sex and degradation
- sexually abusive fantasies
- self harm, self injury
- self blame
- self hatred
- eating disorders (anorexia & emotional eating)
- compulsive shopping and "acquiring" to feel safe and secure, and to replace having my needs met
- withdrawal and isolation
- low self esteem
- low self confidence
- fear of people
- fear of rejection
- terror of abandonment from someone I love and depend on emotionally
Types: social, cognitive, emotional, sexual, physical, behavioural, sense of self, others, the world, loss, boundaries, compulsive/addictive behaviour, avoidance, self harm
Started my first group therapy session in years... and it is tough.
This week I completed my second session of the new therapy group I am attending for the next 10 (well, 8 now) weeks.
The group is called Relationships & Sexuality.
I had a pretty difficult time with this past session and was getting very triggered by the group.
The content, the group of women I am doing it with are all great, and I even know one of them from the art therapy group I did years ago--probably the last group I did.
It is a big adjustment to a new place as well, because they have relocated and the place is all right, but not as nice or comfortable as it used to be. I think I am missing that and mourning the loss of the place I did so many groups in, a place I associated with perhaps great pain, but also great safety and healing. I miss the welcoming atmosphere, the comfy couches, the coffee table, the big space. A small space with not terribly comfy chairs (although I would not go so far as to say they are actually UNCOMFORTABLE, but they are not comfortable and comforting, either) in a circle is just not the same. It makes me sad, because I know how much more comforting the other space was. Like at the Avalon women's centre. It was a comfortable and safe sort of space. This other place is just a room with chairs, lol. Well, I will get used to it I guess.
Session 1 just sort of was paperwork and dipping our toes into the water. We discussed things we hoped to get out of the group, which was a great experience because it was just amazing to sit in a group of people and say something that is an issue for me, and have everyone in the room go "yeah, me too" and be nodding their heads or hear someone say something that was an issue for them, and I would be doing the same thing. It was nice to not only not have to hide this part of my life I usually have to keep from other people, but to not feel that I am different from others, to not feel bad because I have these issues, to just feel "normal" and understood. Like everyone here, I don't have to explain anything to, they just GET IT.
We discussed what trauma was, and they told us what would be happening in week 2 and gave us some homework for the week, which was to think about what impacts trauma has had on us, positive and negative, and also what our coping mechanisms are or have been to deal with and live with the trauma. We spent some time talking about minimizing as a coping mechanism, and yeah, when I thought about it, of course I minimize.
If I didn't, I would be totally overwhelmed by everything that happened to me, and I would be so overwhelmed by the impact it has had on me and still has on me in my life today, that I don't know how I would be able to get out of bed in the morning, if I didn't.
http://www.myshrink.com/counseling-theory.php?t_id=13
This is one of the better descriptions of dissociation and the causes of it that I have found in a simple and easy to understand way. If you ignore the sales pitch, that is.
This is what happened to me in the meeting, the 2nd one. I thought I was not dissociated because I was able to stay mostly present and avoid any severe dissociative spells requiring much effort to come back from. But I now realize, I WAS dissociating, I just managed to avoid any more than mild-to-moderate depersonalization and derealization. But I was still dissociating, I just didn't realize it at the time.
That's why at the end I said it was like all these bombs going off inside me. Well, I knew that, but I couldn't feel anything. I didn't know what I was feeling or what was going on inside me at all. I had no idea I had any emotions, much less any sadness, until I spoke up at the end, about how I felt I couldn't say I was "strong" on the positive impacts of trauma, which would be true, because I felt that I wasn't strong, because I didn't overcome all of this, and started to cry. Those few tears were my only clue of any emotions that were occurring in me. I didn't even know I was upset enough to cry! My only way of knowing was, I could feel the triggers going off inside me, that tells me something major and emotional is going on, and the sense of total mental and emotional and physical overwhelm. I literally got so I couldn't even open my mouth, it was like it was heavy and frozen shut. I could not have spoken if I had wanted to.
Then I just withdrew more and more from the group, and wanted to be alone because I was so upset. At the break, I just went off by myself. I couldn't speak up, and I couldn't think of all the things I had written down, things that were negative impacts, coping mechanisms, even one of my few positives would not have been brought up at all were it not for one of the leaders. I could have added many things to those lists, but I just got so overwhelmed I couldn't speak or think. My brain wouldn't work, my mouth wouldn't work. And I was emotionally numb except the bomb-going-off-inside feeling.
Not only did they go through what abuse was, and not just sexual abuse, EVERY type of abuse, physical, emotional, verbal, etc. I could have added to that, too, but I could not even answer what abuse is, I could not answer what trauma was last week either. I KNOW what trauma is. I KNOW what abuse is, I know the definitions of the types of abuse and examples of those things. I could have added things not listed. But I could not think or remember any of it, much less talk about it. I had lists of coping mechanisms and impacts.
I rattled off a long list of impacts, and did a less thorough job of the coping mechanisms because I did it mostly the day of, I seemed to be unable to do more than I did. I could have come up with more impacts too I am sure. But the thing is, when I wrote all that out, it wasn't hard at all. I didn't have to struggle to come up with it. It was somewhat painful, yes, but didn't seem to be overwhelmingly so.
I left the meeting thinking, it is like I can run circles around trauma mentally. I could write you out a very thorough, well-thought-out, articulate, well-defined outline on all of the above. Probably, from what I have seen in the group, better than any one else there (although to be fair, I ought to be knowledgeable about these things by now). Mentally I totally get it. But emotionally, mentally, psychologically, physically--how quickly I get overwhelmed! It is like my mental trauma muscles are extraordinarily strong, and my emotional, mental, psychological, and physiological muscles are so weak I can't tolerate anything. Or maybe, I just have too many things, too many traumas, to tolerate. Either way I am way behind on the emotional and physical processing and understanding of my traumas, and that is why I keep having triggers over and over again is because I can't process them except for mentally without getting overwhelmed--and clearly my ability to have a mental understanding does not work when I have the emotional, psychological, and physiological issues at play. I seem to be able to mentally process in writing, but not in speaking.
It is like how I had started to realize in my therapy with Delyse, when I started to realize I am dissociating ALL the time, except the brief periods when I am doing the exhausting parts of therapy with her. Even when I think I'm not dissociating I realize I am it is just that I'm either too overwhelmed, or it has become so normal for me to be dissociated and go through life that way that to me, it just feels like I am normal. I thought I was, until Delyse started helping me to be in my body in our sessions for brief periods.
The group is called Relationships & Sexuality.
I had a pretty difficult time with this past session and was getting very triggered by the group.
The content, the group of women I am doing it with are all great, and I even know one of them from the art therapy group I did years ago--probably the last group I did.
It is a big adjustment to a new place as well, because they have relocated and the place is all right, but not as nice or comfortable as it used to be. I think I am missing that and mourning the loss of the place I did so many groups in, a place I associated with perhaps great pain, but also great safety and healing. I miss the welcoming atmosphere, the comfy couches, the coffee table, the big space. A small space with not terribly comfy chairs (although I would not go so far as to say they are actually UNCOMFORTABLE, but they are not comfortable and comforting, either) in a circle is just not the same. It makes me sad, because I know how much more comforting the other space was. Like at the Avalon women's centre. It was a comfortable and safe sort of space. This other place is just a room with chairs, lol. Well, I will get used to it I guess.
Session 1 just sort of was paperwork and dipping our toes into the water. We discussed things we hoped to get out of the group, which was a great experience because it was just amazing to sit in a group of people and say something that is an issue for me, and have everyone in the room go "yeah, me too" and be nodding their heads or hear someone say something that was an issue for them, and I would be doing the same thing. It was nice to not only not have to hide this part of my life I usually have to keep from other people, but to not feel that I am different from others, to not feel bad because I have these issues, to just feel "normal" and understood. Like everyone here, I don't have to explain anything to, they just GET IT.
We discussed what trauma was, and they told us what would be happening in week 2 and gave us some homework for the week, which was to think about what impacts trauma has had on us, positive and negative, and also what our coping mechanisms are or have been to deal with and live with the trauma. We spent some time talking about minimizing as a coping mechanism, and yeah, when I thought about it, of course I minimize.
If I didn't, I would be totally overwhelmed by everything that happened to me, and I would be so overwhelmed by the impact it has had on me and still has on me in my life today, that I don't know how I would be able to get out of bed in the morning, if I didn't.
http://www.myshrink.com/counseling-theory.php?t_id=13
This is one of the better descriptions of dissociation and the causes of it that I have found in a simple and easy to understand way. If you ignore the sales pitch, that is.
This is what happened to me in the meeting, the 2nd one. I thought I was not dissociated because I was able to stay mostly present and avoid any severe dissociative spells requiring much effort to come back from. But I now realize, I WAS dissociating, I just managed to avoid any more than mild-to-moderate depersonalization and derealization. But I was still dissociating, I just didn't realize it at the time.
That's why at the end I said it was like all these bombs going off inside me. Well, I knew that, but I couldn't feel anything. I didn't know what I was feeling or what was going on inside me at all. I had no idea I had any emotions, much less any sadness, until I spoke up at the end, about how I felt I couldn't say I was "strong" on the positive impacts of trauma, which would be true, because I felt that I wasn't strong, because I didn't overcome all of this, and started to cry. Those few tears were my only clue of any emotions that were occurring in me. I didn't even know I was upset enough to cry! My only way of knowing was, I could feel the triggers going off inside me, that tells me something major and emotional is going on, and the sense of total mental and emotional and physical overwhelm. I literally got so I couldn't even open my mouth, it was like it was heavy and frozen shut. I could not have spoken if I had wanted to.
Then I just withdrew more and more from the group, and wanted to be alone because I was so upset. At the break, I just went off by myself. I couldn't speak up, and I couldn't think of all the things I had written down, things that were negative impacts, coping mechanisms, even one of my few positives would not have been brought up at all were it not for one of the leaders. I could have added many things to those lists, but I just got so overwhelmed I couldn't speak or think. My brain wouldn't work, my mouth wouldn't work. And I was emotionally numb except the bomb-going-off-inside feeling.
Not only did they go through what abuse was, and not just sexual abuse, EVERY type of abuse, physical, emotional, verbal, etc. I could have added to that, too, but I could not even answer what abuse is, I could not answer what trauma was last week either. I KNOW what trauma is. I KNOW what abuse is, I know the definitions of the types of abuse and examples of those things. I could have added things not listed. But I could not think or remember any of it, much less talk about it. I had lists of coping mechanisms and impacts.
I rattled off a long list of impacts, and did a less thorough job of the coping mechanisms because I did it mostly the day of, I seemed to be unable to do more than I did. I could have come up with more impacts too I am sure. But the thing is, when I wrote all that out, it wasn't hard at all. I didn't have to struggle to come up with it. It was somewhat painful, yes, but didn't seem to be overwhelmingly so.
I left the meeting thinking, it is like I can run circles around trauma mentally. I could write you out a very thorough, well-thought-out, articulate, well-defined outline on all of the above. Probably, from what I have seen in the group, better than any one else there (although to be fair, I ought to be knowledgeable about these things by now). Mentally I totally get it. But emotionally, mentally, psychologically, physically--how quickly I get overwhelmed! It is like my mental trauma muscles are extraordinarily strong, and my emotional, mental, psychological, and physiological muscles are so weak I can't tolerate anything. Or maybe, I just have too many things, too many traumas, to tolerate. Either way I am way behind on the emotional and physical processing and understanding of my traumas, and that is why I keep having triggers over and over again is because I can't process them except for mentally without getting overwhelmed--and clearly my ability to have a mental understanding does not work when I have the emotional, psychological, and physiological issues at play. I seem to be able to mentally process in writing, but not in speaking.
It is like how I had started to realize in my therapy with Delyse, when I started to realize I am dissociating ALL the time, except the brief periods when I am doing the exhausting parts of therapy with her. Even when I think I'm not dissociating I realize I am it is just that I'm either too overwhelmed, or it has become so normal for me to be dissociated and go through life that way that to me, it just feels like I am normal. I thought I was, until Delyse started helping me to be in my body in our sessions for brief periods.
