Nov. 1, 2011

A couple of days ago, it was suggested to me that some of the information in the AA "12 Steps & 12 Traditions" might be helpful to me.  At least, I think it is the same book.  Don't know yet.  It was actually one of many I dragged down from my bookshelves, many of them 12 Step or ACOA related.

I've started trying to read the book, in an effort to perhaps gain some useful information, but although I have only read Step 1 so far, I am finding it surprisingly difficult.

It is not the steps, or the information therein, that I am having difficulty with, since I've done several step groups so I should have some understanding by now of what all that means.

The problem I am having relies solely upon the fact that every sentence contains the word "alcoholic" and the mind set of an alcoholic, the behaviour of an alcoholic.  I'm sure this is deliberate as they are attempting to drive home the point, break through denial and unacceptance of the steps and the program.  Which come to think of it, this actually makes me think more of "programming" in the sense than in most 12 steps that aren't related to AA such as Al Anon, ACOA, CODA, SARA et al, they do not try to "break through" your psyche, they help you to stop hating yourself and more gently help you come to realize how you are getting in your own way.

But that isn't it, either.  I just find reading about alcoholics, and alcoholism, very triggering.  It's hard to get something out of a book that upsets you with every sentence, shoving painful parts of your life in your face, and not in a helpful, recognizing the ways it has impacted you, sort of way.

It makes my stomach upset.  It reminds me of horrors I'd just as soon not go back and relive.

I don't know how the hell ACOAs who are also alcoholics handle it.

But right now, I don't think I can handle reading step 2.

It is also, unfortunately, reminding me of the one period in which I did drink alcohol, and not really in a willing, it's-my-choice, sort of way.  And I sure as hell do not need reminding about THAT right now.

I need a trip down sexual abuse lane again, especially this week, like I need a hole in between my eyes.

GO AWAY, past, because I cannot deal with you right now.

It's just going to overwhelm me, given how I'm already feeling and how I'm not back at my meeting yet.