My Body

My Body


I can’t stay here,

I have to fly.

I have to run, I have to hide.

I have to escape, inside my head

Have to scurry, filled with dread

Like a frightened mouse,

I slip and slide,

Trying to outrun

What’s in my mind

Trying to flee this haunted house

That carries ghosts within it still

They try to catch me,

Try to kill

Whatever is left of me inside

Whatever I protected,

Far  away and back in time

Back when I froze,

And kept inside me blame that was mine

When I forgot

When I became numb,

Every time terror was brought

In fits,

In scenes,

In nights, in days

Of mornings and evenings

I walked through life in a haze

Of weeks and months and years and single nights

And all of them, every one

Sent me into such terrifying frights

That froze, that burned

That hated and blamed,

And festered inside me

A deep and secret shame

Another layer of numbness brought

Soon it’s not enough,

And I find I am caught

It burns like fire in my veins,

In my body,

My mind, my brain

Soon even the numbness, the freezing, the flying away

The depression, self hatred, self seeking shame

A blame that burned inside my soul

And left behind

A gaping hole

It’s not enough, I can’t contain,

It’s all spilling out of all the broken places,

Cracks and holes that are leaking pain

I can’t even begin to try to seal

A shattered heart,

An inner starvation

That can never be sated by any meal

I can’t turn inward anymore

Can’t turn outward

I am alone, there’s no support

Can’t rely on my defenses to stop the pain

Can’t say I’m too tired,

I want to go home,

I no longer want to play this game

I am strangled silent

I can’t scream or cry

Somewhere along the way I lost myself

I didn’t even get the chance

To tell myself goodbye

Turned to pills, to knives, to glass

To fire and burning smoke

Just trying to survive,

Just waiting and waiting for time to pass

To blows against my body and face

And secret words of written shame,

Indelible even after they are washed away

 I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to escape this place