Apr. 1, 2011

Feeling triggered and dissociated lately...


Sad to see
Those clear angel eyes following me
As I slip down, down, down
My own mind a landscape of past pain & shame
That girl who had no name
All she was, was a body to be used
Every part of her
Body and heart
Skinned raw from being abused
Body & mind shrieking steel
She comes violently apart
From men who just didn’t care
The marks they left,
The damage there
She is screaming silently why
Eyes closed,
Open wide at the tree inside
On the wall
Of a faceless man
In a faceless house
Dissociated out of her head
Quiet as a mouse
So she doesn’t die
Can’t let this man in this room
See her cry
Can’t remember all those hours, the whole night through
It’s just a blank
She can’t see through
But she can still feel the pain
Knows the hands touched her
Feels the shame
Of having him inside
She can’t stop him
She’s frozen
Doesn’t know how to get away
Except look at the tree
And fade away
Remembers only the first couple of rapes
After that
Her mind escapes
No memories now to find
Can’t remember what he left behind
Just the tree, and hands,
A condom filled with semen
That he used later
After he had erased her
He was her first, in her mouth
Forcing her head into his lap he didn’t know and didn’t care
In the cold night he stripped the clothing off all four layers
Left her bare and naked
Completely vulnerable
No one came and saw him, he hid in the late and the dark
Waiting for a girl lost with no home to go to
She was so tired and cold and hungry
No one to protect her
She asked for help,
But no one answered her plea,
Told her they could not help her
So she was alone
And then he found her,
And there was no one to call
Trying to sleep in a graveyard
Turtle in her shell
As the fog filled the night air
Turned it into a ghost-ridden hell
Felt so guilty
Had to go
No washrooms,
Trying to find a place
That would not turn someone’s loved one’s grave
Into a disgrace
Tried to sleep on the cold hard ground, freezing
Figured it would be a safe place, no one around
Someone walked by
She ran away, spooked by it all
Needed to find a place she would not be found
The only place she knew so far away
Every place she went
Closed down for the day
Even the latest open places
Until she was alone in the streets
Just a kid with a bag and layers of clothes, otherwise faceless
No money for food or the bus,
Just stealing a bag of chips, because she was hungry
Someone gave her some food at a place she was at, trying to sleep
Until they closed the doors
And she was again in the cold, in the dark, in the deep
Abyss of that coldest of nights
Where unknown stalkers drove their cars in dim light
She knew there was a chance but she hoped she might find
A person out there
Who would see a kid who needed some help and be kind
Who wouldn’t make her pay for some warmth and a place to sleep
With her own body, even though it didn’t feel like it was hers to keep
And she didn’t sleep anyway because she was his plaything all through the night
Till the sun came up and not knowing where she was, had to ask him for some change for something to eat and the bus at daylight
Left her feeling dirty and cheap, like a prostitute
But she had a babysitting job to get to that day
She shouldn’t have gone
She cut herself anyway
Curled into a ball
And she told no one, no one at all
When she did,
She was shamed and blamed
You’re so stupid, are you insane?
Just raped 3 weeks ago, you should know
That was how it was going to go
Didn’t want it to be this way
She just wanted a safe place to stay
Bouncing off those four walls
Just wanting to be loved and safe
But reality in her life
It just wasn’t that way
If she’d had a safe place to go,
She’d have said to them,
The answer is no
She wouldn’t have been out there in the night, a firefly searching for home
The masked monsters lying in the night
Laying wait and lying
Taking advantage of her youth and innocence
Casting their dark net, looking for prey
If only she’d had a home,
A place to just be and be ok
To not be hurt anymore
If she had had that kind of place,
Then she would stay.
She ‘d have basked in the light and the warmth of home,
Never ventured out into the dark unknown